The Heart Asks Pleasure First
by Sarlyne
Summary: AU after 3x08: Thomas tries to continue life at Downton as a better man than he was before. Like, spending more time working than plotting. And starting to respect people. It takes a while, though, until Jimmy is keen to speak with him again, but then they become friends and that's great. At first. Or: How to get out of the friendzone, when you can't read subtext.
1. Prologue

**_Sub title: _**_I'm writing my own S4, because I am afraid of Fellowes' ideas for my ship. I hope you are proud, Fellowes. It's all your fault._

**_Notes:_**_This is a WIP, and here, have the (epic short) prologue, more chapters later this week. It will be a longer fic, can't say the exact amount of chapters atm, but yeah, long, because it's everything I really really want to happen after 3x08. _

_**Disclaimer:** I don't own Downton Abbey nor Highclere Castle (what would be amazing of course), but I think we can agree that this is better for everyone involved in the show xD_

_**P.S.:** Reviews are love!_

_**P.P.S.:** __I'm not native English, so sentence structure&grammar sometimes... wat. is it. I'm German and had 9 years of Latin, I'm bound to love long sentences! _

* * *

_1st of January 1922._

_Thomas stares._

_ "I mean it!"_

_Jimmy takes a step closer, and Thomas takes automatically a step back. But the wall is in the way, hitting against his back and allowing the younger man to invade his private space a little bit too much. __"I mean it", he repeats. Thomas believes him, not able to look away from the dark blue eyes, and it scares him._

_The thought that Jimmy should have waited just as long as Thomas for this to happen, is ridiculous; _

_because Thomas remembers the days and weeks after '_that night' _clearly and in colour.__ How Jimmy avoided him. How the footman had spent even more time giving Ivy flirtatious looks and bright smiles. _

_It had hurt, of course, the knowledge that Jimmy had been trying to hurt him on purpose, but it had eventually faded into believing that it was exactly what he deserved for trying to force himself on Jimmy. Ethel had once had to leave without a reference, not even twenty-four hours after inviting a man to her bed, and Thomas had been allowed to stay. People who he had never thought they would had spoken up for him, and he didn't want to waste this his second -Second? Third, or fourth, probably. Maybe fifth.- chance. _

_And he hadn't wasted it. He had put all his strength in his work, hadn't held a grudge against O'Brien, and had stopped to express every sarcastic comment that came to his mind. Hell, he had even started to respect Bates! _

_And he had apologized to Jimmy almost exactly one year ago, and since then the two of them had started again. Reserved and careful at first, but during the last months they then have become even friends. Once Jimmy had realized that Thomas wouldn't try anything inappropriate anymore, they had spent a lot more time together than Thomas could have ever dreamed of. Jimmy, Thomas has learnt, is lonelier than he admits and his flirting with Ivy has been just a weak try to forget that loneliness. Since they have started to spend more time together, Jimmy pays less time to the kitchen maid; Thomas can't deny he feels happy about it, but not because of the same reasons as almost two years ago, when Jimmy had started work at Downton. _

_He is fine, totally and completely fine, with just being friends with Jimmy, because deep inside Thomas knows that they don't have a chance for anything beyond that. Having a secret affair with a man is one thing. Having an affair when you live under the same roof and have to keep it a secret, is the most complicated scenario. And besides, Thomas knows that Jimmy just isn't into him._

_Or, he _thought_ he knew._

_Until a few minutes ago._

_Suddenly there are hands on his suit, carefully, soft. __Jimmy is determined and Thomas too weak to stop him. A part of him doesn't even _want_ to stop it, is glad about this turn of events, but Thomas tries to ignore it; tries not to think at all, and to just let happen whatever may come._

_Jimmy's mouth is soft against his; not shy, but inexperienced. __But the _kiss_ Jimmy presses on his lips is fierce. Fierce and with a demanding passion. His hands pull Thomas closer, one on his neck, the other around his waist, until their bodies are pressed flat against each other. It's madness, Thomas knows that, but the taste of Jimmy's mouth is better than any drug or alcohol, so he gives in and kisses back, soon deepening the kiss when Jimmy starts to moan softly. _

_He wonders if they can ever stop kissing..._

_ And then Jimmy breaks away with a gasp, chest moving heavily up and down, panting._

"_This feels good", he breathes, the red lips inches away from Thomas', which just feel numb without the warmth of another pair against them._

_ "Huh?"_

_ "This", Jimmy starts again. "I thought it would... Well, I didn't really know what to think it would feel like." He laughs nervously. "But I like it. And I like that we have become friends. __But..." Jimmy hesitates, trying to look Thomas in the eyes, what is__ difficult, because Thomas suddenly can't stand to look at him anymore. He should feel happy about this, he knows he should, after over thirty years alone. But he doesn't. As much as Thomas had dreamed of exactly this -Jimmy coming to him, kissing him, telling him he loved him- the very first moment they had met... Now it just feels wrong. __"Just what I said, I made up my mind and I _do_ like you. A lot. I... I might be in love with you, so if you still- I know you said you didn't anymore. Have feelings. For me, I mean. You said so, but if you _do_ have, though, then... Maybe we can try again?"_

_ "Ah."_

_Thomas isn't sure if he will ever be able to form a proper sentence again. His legs feel wobbly, and his brain is pudding. Breathing is suddenly very hard, and something stings in Thomas' eyes; tears. _Damn._ Jimmy, of course, notices._

_ "Thomas?"_

_A hand reaches up to touch his face, but he slaps it away, and regrets it at the same moment when he sees the fear on Jimmy's face. _

_ "I- I'm sorry", Thomas gasps. "I just- I don't think- I need air!"_

_More stumbling than actually running he hurries towards the door and outside in the snow, knowing how it must look to Jimmy. Behind him something shatters on the floor, but Thomas isn't sure if it's the vase he just knocked down on his way to the door, the part of him that wanted so badly to be happy with Jimmy, or the younger man himself._

_Maybe it's all three._

**.to be continued...**

* * *

**JFYI: **The prologue is a prologue and so per definition the beginning of a story, but the real events of this story starrt right after 3x08 in the next chapter! :) Also, I SWEAR less angst in the next chapter!

**About the time: **Season 3 starts in "Spring, 1920", but I don't recall if there were any major time skips until the end of the season (A whole year or more). If there are, then please feel free to tell me! This story builds on 3x08 ending in 1920 as well, and hence the prologue starts at the very beginning of 1922.

**For all the cool people:** It's also here on AO3, which I use more often (and prefer to) FFnet: archiveofourown org / works / 575971

If you like this work, I would be very grateful, if you could visit AO3 and click on "Kudos" on the bottom of the page, you don't even need an account!


	2. i Jimmy

**_Notes: _**

_1.__Thanks so much for all the feedback, be it here, on or on my tumblr! :*D I am so happy so many people like reading it.__  
2.I apologize in advance for any grammatical errors; English is my 3rd language, and I don't have a beta T_T_

_3.I have no idea when they played cricket, so I just decided it's at the end of July._

_4. When I remembered that Alfred and Jimmy don't share a room, the nest two chapters were already written. Woops!_

_5. Reviews are still love!_

* * *

_July 1920._

_**i. Jimmy**_

"_First footman?_ What do you mean? Why are you suddenly first footman?"

Alfred's half confused, half angry face is just as enjoyable as the news itself. To Jimmy, at least. The other man's face is a mixture of confusion, disappointment and anger.

"Because his Lordship said so", Jimmy answers, not even trying to hide his smile, while getting out of the cricket clothes and into his pyjamas. The day has been thoroughly fun, apart from the news that Lord Grantham wanted Thomas to stay. Cricket was fun, although Jimmy had never played before, but it seemed just to be another gift he had been granted with. Nothing one could say about Alfred, though, who is not only ridiculous tall, but also clumsy and absolutely horrible when it comes to flirting.  
The world consists of winners and losers, and Jimmy knows on which side he belongs.

"But why is his Lordship making this decision? Mr Carson-"

"Mr Carson agrees with him."

"But-"

Jimmy slams the door of their wardrobe shut and rolls his eyes. Alfred is giving him headaches lately; it's tiresome and really not helping him to deal with the problem of Thomas Barrow.

"Oh my God, will you just stop whining about it? At least I have something to look forward to, since Mister Barrow is staying after all-"

_ "Mister Barrow is staying?"_

_Damn. _

He has forgotten that it hasn't been officially announced yet.

Jimmy shrugs and hopes Alfred will shut up.

"He's _staying?!" _

Of course it is too much to ask.

"Yes, he is _staying_", Jimmy sighs and lets himself fall on his bed. "Go and complain to Carson or his Lordship, but don't let your issues out on me-"

"_My_ issues?!"

"You just won't stop going on about it, will you?"

"Well, someone _has_ to!" Alfred gives him a look that clearly questions Jimmy's sanity. "And _you_ should be the one complaining, but not a single word was coming from you for days after it-"

"Just because I am not as hot headed and choleric as you are, doesn't mean I don't care", Jimmy growls and turns on his side, facing the wall, to show that the conversation is over, and eventually Alfred decides Jimmy is right, because he doesn't say anything anymore.

The problem is, Alfred is _right_.

The problem is, too, that Jimmy really tries to hate Thomas, but it doesn't work.

Ever since Jimmy arrived in Downton, Thomas Barrow has been the one person who was the kindest and most helpful to him; Ivy obviously fancies him, but Jimmy knows that kind of crush. She knows that he is smart and good looking, she knows he can dance and play music; but she doesn't _know_ him. Jimmy doesn't believe Ivy would talk to him if she didn't fancy him. Thomas has made the impression to be honestly interested, and not only because… well. Of course Jimmy doesn't know for sure. Maybe Ivy would even want to be friends with him, if she was in love with Alfred, and maybe Thomas wouldn't care for him, if he was into women. And O'Brien's advice -Advice? Oh, what a joke those _advices_ have been!- haven't helped a bit to make his new life easier. In fact, he is almost convinced now she made bad "advices" on purpose. But again, Jimmy doesn't _know_.

It's hard.

_Life_ is hard, and people are the worst part of it.

He knows how to be charming and manipulate others, though, but he doesn't actually _enjoy_ the company of many people around him. Everyone wants something from him, when all _Jimmy_ wants is to have a chance to live his own life.

Frustrated Jimmy burries his face deeper in his pillow and tries not to think about anything.

Not about Ivy or Thomas.

Not about the good old days in Lady Anstruther's service.

Not about the cruelties and fears of war. And especially not about about returning home from it to find his mother on her deathbed and a short telegram that his father hadn't survived France.

And least of all Jimmy wants to think about the tears that find their way into his pillow. But at least they help him to fall fast asleep...

* * *

The news that Thomas is staying cause different reactions at the breakfast table.

Bates and his wife congratulate him, although Bates looks a bit sour. Alfred shakes his head and concentrates on his toast. Daisy and Ivy smile, what seems to be a surprise to Thomas, and he gives them a shy smile in return. Molesly looks confused and makes a joke nobody understands, and then quickly turns his attention to his coffee.  
Ms O'Brien just sits still like a statue, her mouth a thin line. Obviously something has happened, but Jimmy couldn't say what and if he is honest, he doesn't care. He hadn't particulary liked her, but ever since Thomas' attention to Jimmy had taken that inappropriate turn, Jimmy had thought he could trust her. And where had that left him? Well, as the 1st footman, but that was hardly thanks to her.

"Do you want more toast, Jimmy?"

Of course it doesn't take long until Ivy starts to give him her attention. As satisfying it is, it is also starting to become annoying. Too keep Ivy on his side, Jimmy has to flirt back, but he is by no means half of the time in the mood to do so. But at the same time he has endured a lot worse situations already, so he gives her a bright smile and takes th plate out of her hand, sure to brush her hand lightly. She blushes, Alfred looks alarmed between her and Jimmy and everything is as it should.  
Except that Thomas glances briefly in his direction, when Ivy leaves.

_Bloody hell, will this never be over?_

Jimmy tries to give him his coldest look in return and it seems to work, because Thomas flinches and returns his attention to Mrs Hughes, who just tells him and Bates about their work for this day.

* * *

It takes Jimmy until his first break some hours later to realize that while Carson mentioned _Thomas'_ promotion to everyone at breakfast, he didn't say a single word about _Jimmy's_. It leaves him with a bitter taste in his mouth. So, Thomas Barrow suddenly deserves attention?

_Who is the victim here?_


	3. ii Thomas

**_Notes:_**Sorry for the long wait, but I appreciate all the support owo

More chapters definitely coming this weekend, to make up for the past weeks.

_**Rated I **_for heavy use of italics.

* * *

The problem is, Thomas still loves Jimmy; whatever love means.

It doesn't mean nightly visits and burning passion anymore. He doesn't feel the desire to touch him or comment every of Jimmy's actions whenever they are in the same room. Ever since Jimmy had yelled at him and thrown him out of his room that night, Thomas had to realize what a fool he had been.

No, his affection towards the younger man has changed; it has become… something subtle, caring. Although he doesn't know _why_ it has changed, Thomas is glad it _has_, because it allows him to love Jimmy without despairing over the fact that they will never be together. More than anything else he wants to be _there_ for the young man, even if Jimmy chooses to ignore Thomas, and Jimmy avoids him as much as working under the same roof allows him to. And if he isn't ignoring him, he's exchanging looks with Alfred whenever Thomas says something, or makes sarcastic comments. Thomas thinks he knows now how William must have felt all those years ago. Or Daisy. Or Bates. Or... Well, pretty much everyone. Maybe it's fate.

"Oh, I can do this, Mr Carson!"

They are having dinner, it's been a month since that night, and except for his relationship to Jimmy (And Alfred. But Thomas doesn't care about him, so whatever.), everything is going very well.

Bates is dressing Lord Grantham again, but Thomas takes some of his other work, especially in the last time, while Bates and Anna are settling into their new life. He is also taking care of Tom Branson now, what is a bit odd, but sometimes also quite amusing, because the former chauffeur still struggles with all the different clothes.

"Can you?", Carson asks. "Don't you have enough work to do, Thomas?"

"It's quite all right."

"Your luck, James, Alfred", Carson tells the footmen "that Mr Barrow is kind enough to do the work I would otherwise have given you."

Thomas can see Jimmy rolling his eyes on the other side of the table, and it's another sting to his heart.

* * *

He still prefers to sit in the servants hall after dinner. A year ago Sarah would have joined him, but she doesn't anymore and neither does anyone else. But spending one or two quiet hours alone is not bad, either, so Thomas doesn't mind too much.

He not sitting in his usual place this evening, so Jimmy doesn't notice him when he suddenly walks in. The footman lets himself fall down on a chair only two places away from Thomas, looking tired and worn out. Thomas has to suppress the urge to ask what's wrong, because he knows that Jimmy doesn't want to talk to him. Since he obviously still hasn't noticed Thomas' presence, Thomas takes the opportunity to watch Jimmy's profile. It's not new to him that Jimmy is extremely handsome, but it's hard not to look at him. The straight nose, wonderful swung lips, full golden hair and those dark blue eyes...

_Too handsome to be just a footman_, had Crowborough called him once, but it fits to Jimmy just as well.

Thomas forces his attention back to the newspaper; he doesn't want to be caught making doe eyes at a man who he knows isn't comfortable with it.

He turns a page and paper crinkles. Jimmy jumps a little in his chair when he realizes he is not alone; or better, _who_ is sitting beside him. When he stands up to leave, Thomas follows him hastily. _Better now than never, right?_

"Wait! Please!"

He doesn't mean to touch Jimmy, but before Thomas can do anything against it, his right hand is wrapped around Jimmy's wrist. Jimmy looks surprised between Thomas and their hands. Then he pulls away and Thomas' arm falls to his side. It is hard to form a clear thought, when the younger man looks at him with so much anger, although Thomas _did_ prepare what he means to tell him.

Nonetheless, it's all gone now that they finally have a moment alone.

Jimmy stands in front of him, clearly not happy about being caught alone, but at least he doesn't run off. It gives Thomas a little confidence; that there might still be hope for them to be friends one day.

"I need to talk to you."

Jimmy raises an eyebrow.

"_Talk?" _It sounds amused. "That's an improvement from the last time you wanted something from me."

Of course it's true, and although Thomas knew where the conversation would go -Had planned it, dammit!- he feels heat rising in his cheeks.

"I'm sorry." He forces himself to keep looking at Jimmy, to show him that he means it. He expects a lot of answers, starting from_ Fuck off_ to _I don't care _or just cold silence. But not:

"I know." The corner of Thomas' mouth twitches slightly at those two simple words. But the little flicker of hope vanishes when Jimmy continues. "And I don't _care_. You might still be above me in the hierarchy, Mister Barrow, but I don't have to like you or- or _forgive_ you or anything!" His face is now as blushed as Thomas' feels, but Jimmy does still not look at him. Fists clenched, his eyes go somewhere in a corner of the room behind Thomas.

It takes Thomas a few seconds to make sure he has his breath under control and his voice doesn't shake, before he answers.

"No, you don't, that's right", he says.

"Glad we could make this clear", Jimmy answers and turns to leave.

Before Thomas can help himself, he starts: "When you are like me-"

"I am _nothing_ like you, Mister Barrow!", Jimmy interrupts, almost shouting. And now he _is_ looking at him, the beautiful face a mask of fury. "Nothing! I don't know where you got the idea, but it's madness!"

Again it leaves Thomas almost speechless.

"Yes, of course. I mean, people like me, you see…" Hee struggles for a moment with his words, then he tries again: "It's hard. I never wanted to scare or harm you. It's important you believe me that."

"I don't care what's important for you!"

"But that's not why I'm asking! I don't ask you to believe me, because it is important to me; I ask you to believe me, because it is the truth!" Thomas voice sounds pleading even in his own ears. _Oh God, don't cry! _"And you..." He hates how his face blushes even more, because Thomas is trying to prove a point here. And it's already hard enough to convince Jimmy that he will no longer make any romanic attempts at him _without_ blushing like Ivy. "You are not as vengeful as O'Brien. You are a wonderful person!"

Jimmy opens his mouth to say something, but obviously fails. They look at each other for a moment, then Jimmy storms away, cheeks red.

Thomas is not sure if that's a good or a bad sign, but better not getting hopes up. He sits down at the table and doesn't feel at all like going upstairs.

"Why are you still here?"

Daisy suddenly stands in the doorway, looking suspiciously at him. It alarms Thomas, because Daisy might have been naïf and annoying once, but she isn't anymore; although he is fairly sure she is the only one of the older staff who still doesn't know about him.

"I could ask you the same. In the kitchen alone at night?"

"It's not night!", she protests. "And I forgot to prepare something for tomorrow if you must know!" Daisy makes a pause and Thomas returns his attention to his newspaper. "Do you want a cup of tea?"

It comes as such a surprise that Thomas suspects she's up to something.

"Why are you asking?", he asks and raises an eyebrow.

"Oh my Lord, it was just a simple question!", she growls, raising her hands in frustration. She is away before Thomas can say _No thank you. But that's _very kind_ of you._

For some reason he is putting everyone off today. Probably he's just not used yet to people being kind to him.

* * *

_Yes, I know, Jimmy behaves very cold hearted. But he's just... You'll see. I love him. O3O And I love Thomas. As for Thomas; time for a new BROTP, yes/yes? Yeeeeeeeeeees!_

**_Reviews are still love!_**


	4. iii Jimmy

**Note:** Thanks again for the lovely reviews :3 They make my day every time!

*'Fate is a bloody traitor' is the translation of the German title of John Green's book "The fault in our stars". Yeah, we Germans almost never just translate the original book title into German ._.  
Dunno why. However in this case I really like the German title.

* * *

**_iii. Jimmy_**

_He knows it is a dream, because he would never let Thomas inside his room._

_ "What are _you_ doing here?", Jimmy shouts. "Get out!"_

_Technically Thomas isn't even _in_ his room, but that doesn't make the scene any better._

_He's standing in the doorframe; wearing the same pyjamas as in the night he had entered Jimmy's room for the first time. Jimmy could swear that even the dim light in his room is the same. But unlike in that night Thomas doesn't come in. He just stands there, his grey eyes watching the footman in his bed._

_He doesn't dare to move out of his bed and close the door in front of Thomas. Instead Jimmy turns his back to him and closes his eyes. At least the bed in his dream is as warm and comfortable as his real one, but he can't fall asleep. (Can you even fall asleep in you dreams?)_

_The sound of slow footsteps on the floor._

_Jimmy turns around so fast that he almost falls out of his bed. He expects Thomas to stand beside the bed now, but he's still standing where he stood before. Motionless and still watching._

_"Get out!"_

_He still doesn't move, but when Jimmy lies down again, he hears the steps again._

_But like before Thomas looks as if he hasn't moved._

_He pulls the pillow over his head. Maybe, if he doesn't hear the footsteps, dream-Thomas will just vanish._

_For some minutes it is quiet. _

_No footsteps._

_Then the end of Jimmy's bed sinks down and he knows before he sees him that it's Thomas. He's sitting down at the very end, legs crossed, the grey eyes glowing in the dark…_

Jimmy wakes up gasping. Hair is sticking to his sweaty forehead and his heart is beating as if he has been running for hours.

His shaking hands find the switch for the lamp on his nightstand, and as expected he finds the room empty. With a shaking, but relieved sigh Jimmy falls back on his pillow, running his fingers through his hair.

He doesn't fall asleep again.

* * *

They haven't looked much at each other since their conversation in the kitchen; it seems that even Thomas is embarrassed by his emotional outburst last week.

Unfortunately they can't avoid each other completely, not even in such a large house as Downton Abbey. Just this morning Jimmy had to sit down beside him at breakfast, because he had been too late. (Quite paradox that he was up since hours because of a stupid nightmare and still managed to be late for breakfast.)

"Do you want any coffee?", Thomas had asked him, offering the can and a slight smile.

_'You are a wonderful person!'_

Jimmy had ignored the memory that had risen up in front of his eyes and answered coldly: "No, I don't."

Nonetheless he had poured himself a cup not even a minute after Thomas had offered him some. He had seen Thomas' hurt expression from the corner of his eyes, but it had been Bates who commented: "I thought you didn't want any coffee. He just offered you."

"My breakfast is hardly any of your business, Mr Bates." To be honest, Jimmy's tone _had_ been harsh, but why for God's sake has Bates to be lecturing him all the time since he is back from prison?

All eyes had been on him, and he still hates Bates for making him look like a mean person. None of the others had someone sneaking into their room and forcing a kiss on them. And everyone who _knows_ what happened between him and Thomas is on Thomas' side. That's what Jimmy cannot understand. Carson never liked him anyway, Bates apparently cannot stop to put his nose in everyone's business, Anna does what her husband does, O'Brien pretends she doesn't know anything and Mrs Hughes behaves as if Thomas was her beloved nephew. Even Alfred who was concerned so much at first is now pretending nothing ever happened and stopped making remarks about Thomas.

But one word from Jimmy when Thomas is in the same room and their looks are clearly saying: 'Don't you dare hurt him any further!' As if it had been _him_ who had tried to push _Thomas_ into illegal activities.

It's during times like this that Jimmy wishes he had never left Lady Anstruther's service. Although, of course, there had been no point in coming with her. After what happened staying with her would have been the worst option.

Well.

So he had thought.

_Fate is a bloody traitor.*_

* * *

"What is wrong with you, for God's sake? If you don't feel well go to bed, but if you are not ill pull yourself together!" Carson's voice is quiet, but trembling from suppressed anger.

"Yes, Mr Carson", Jimmy answers and leans down to pick up the shards of what has been a wine bottle a few seconds ago. Not that the quarrel at breakfast was enough for one day, no, he even has to make a fool of himself in front of the whole Crawley family in the drawing room.

" '_Break a thing, mend your luck'_, is what a German Lady told me once", the dowager countess says with a long look at the shards in Jimmy's hands. "Feel free to break any other of those wine bottles if you need any, for it tastes quite horrid."

"I'll see you after dinner in my office", Carson tells him with a furious glance.

* * *

"Did anything happen?"

Carson's office. Jimmy fells like on trial. Is that bloody fair? For breaking a bottle of wine nobody likes because he could barely sleep with nightmares about Thomas Barrow? No, it bloody well isn't!

"Like what?"

"You should be the one to answer this."

"Nothing happened."

"Then what's wrong with you? If you find you cannot do this job, then I suggest you find another work in a smaller house!"

Jimmy doesn't grant Carson's rage with an answer and stares on the floor. If he opens his mouth he knows that he can guarantee what is coming out. Carson is silent for a moment, obviously trying to figure out what it is that upsets Jimmy so much. Carson may not like him, but he does care about the staff – even if it's only to prevent them to embarrass the house with their behaviour.

"Is this still about Mr Barrow?", he finally asks, very calmly.

"Of course it is!", Jimmy whispers. Carson leans back in his chair and frowns. It's not the answer he has hoped for, and Jimmy wishes as well it wouldn't have to be the answer he is giving.

"And what has he done?"

"You _know_ what he has done."

"Mr Barrow is sorry, he's not behaving inappropriate as far as I can see. Quite the reverse; he's exceptional helpful since that unfortunate incident."

It's the truth. Thomas has taken over quite a lot of work that would have either fallen to Jimmy or both of the footmen, and Jimmy hates it. Because it gives everyone a reason to see Thomas as a victim to Jimmy's cold behaviour towards him.

…And because his selfless behaviour makes it so damn hard to _hate_ Thomas. Jimmy has only two options to get over _'that night'_; one is to forgive Thomas, but it would mean that others might think Jimmy didn't mind the kiss, and the ones who don't know about it would think he has taken a liking to Thomas.

The second option is to give him the cold shoulder, and it's is _right_ to do so. But…

"Why are you defending him?", Jimmy asks and looks up. "I decided not to call the police, I agreed that he receives a good reference and then he is _staying! _And you and his Lordship think it will be all right for me with a little promotion." He feels the anger and disappointment rising up in him again.

"Calm your voice", Carson warns. Jimmy ignores him and continues: "It's _illegal_, but nobody cares. Instead you are _all_ supporting him, and he is third in hierarchy after you and Mrs Hughes; it's _ridiculous!_ And I… _I'm_ the victim here, but you judge and despise _me_ for _his_ failures!"

The expression on Carson's face is unreadable, but Jimmy thinks he saw a flicker of pity for a second. But it's gone when the view in front of his eyes becomes blurred. Jimmy quickly turns away to rub the back of his hand over his face. If only he had himself more under control these days…!

"And what would you have me do about it? His Lordship wants Mr Barrow to stay, and the only option for you is to leave if you cannot stand the situation."

"I won't leave. I've done nothing wrong."

"Then I don't know how to help you."

"I don't know, either."

There is another pause, Jimmy staring at the floor again, trying to keep the tears inside and Carson watching him and sighing heavily.

"Would it help if I gave you the weekend off?" Jimmy's head jerks up in surprise. _Time off?_ Did this just come from _Mr Carson?_ "Both Lady Mary and Lady Edith are in London tomorrow, and we won't have any guests either tomorrow or on Sunday. If you need some time to compose yourself, then take it instead of breaking more glass."

Jimmy's mouth twitches slightly. "Thank you very much, Mr Carson."

"Well then, I have to go", Carson says and stands up. He's about to leave the room, but then stops. "Nobody thinks what Thomas did was right", he says. "But we don't all need to be as vengeful as Ms O'Brien. You are doing a good job so far, James", he adds and Jimmy even believes that he means it.

"Thank you, Mr Carson."

Carson nods and leaves and Jimmy follows him after a moment.

"Why are you always so angry?", a voice asks and he almost trips over his own feet. Daisy stands behind him, giving him a suspicious look. "I heard you shouting."

It's not fair. Jimmy's eyes are still red, he's still feeling vulnerable and _not in the mood_ for questions.

"I'm not angry", he laughs. "At least not at you if you don't ask any more questions. I already told you to keep your nose out of my business, remember?"

Jimmy is already on the stairs, but Daisy follows him. _Lord, what's gotten into her?!_

"I'm sorry, but I don't want your company, Daisy-"

"I'm not offering my company, stupid!" He stops so abruptly that she bumps into his back. Daisy looks angry, and a little bit afraid; as if she is about to say something she has planned for a long time, but never had the courage to speak it out.

"Did you just call me _'stupid'_?!"

"I- I did!" Jimmy takes a step closer and she takes one back. "But if you are so annoyed by us, I just… I just want to tell you that it's your fault as well!"

"I beg your pardon?"

_What is wrong with these people?_

He glares at her, and Daisy swallows hard and just stands there with her mouth open for a moment. Then she takes a step closer, and because Jimmy doesn't see why he should move back, they stand almost chest to chest and Daisy looks up to him. It's almost funny, because she is a whole head shorter than him and tries to look so serious.

"You could stop being so mean all the time to begin with. Doesn't exactly make it easy to talk to you", she continues. "Mocking Alfred because he likes cooking and is a bit clumsy, it's just plain mean." Jimmy opens his mouth to say something, but Daisy doesn't give him any time to reply anything. "You think you are better than him, because you have your good looks and maybe Ivy is superficial enough to fall for them, but the rest of us really don't care."

Now she makes a pause, but Jimmy still doesn't know what to say. _Honestly, _what_ has this girl been taking that she is so confident now?_

"And giving Ivy false hopes is even worse, because she really likes you. But you-"

"How do you know I'm playing with her?"

"Because I thought once someone was interested in me, but he wasn't and it hurt. And…" Daisy's voice fades. Her fingers are playing with the golden ring on her left hand. Jimmy knows she has been married for a short time, but he doesn't know the details. "And because I was pretending to be in love with someone once and he never doubted it. Until his death."

He shrugs. "In other words, you are not better than me then!"

If the look Daisy shoots him could kill, Jimmy would now be dying a slow and _very_ painful death.

"I'm _not!_ You _enjoy_ to mess with people! You are-"

"Leave him alone, Daisy!"

_Oh, great._

Thomas.

No, he really _doesn't_ need both Daisy and Thomas now. Daisy swirls around and now glares at Thomas, what comes as a surprise to both Jimmy and the underbutler.

"No, _you_ leave him alone!", she growls. "Because somehow _his _bad mood is _your_ fault as well and I can't work if he's nasty to you all the time."

"Why's that?", Thomas asks puzzled. "Thanks for your concern, Daisy."

"I'm as much concerned about you as I am willing to spend even _one hour_ in Jimmy's company!" Daisy turns back to Jimmy and pokes her finger against his chest. "You!", she barks. "You are just as nasty and manipulative and vain as _he_", and she points to Thomas, "was during his first years here!"

_What the-_

"You have no idea how glad I am he has overcome that behaviour, so why for Heaven's sake do _you_ have to be like that now? Why are all our 1st footmen such morons?!"

With that she runs down back into the kitchen, but not before hissing angrily: "Sorry for trying to be friendly with the tea!" at Thomas.

They both stare after her for a few seconds, then Thomas chuckles.

"My! What was that?!", he is smiling, and Jimmy can forgive that because even he himself is still flabbergasted by the show Daisy just put on. But as soon as his eyes meet Thomas', his smile freezes. They are alone, standing only a few steps apart from each other. The grey eyes that are haunting him since nights look so different outside from Jimmy's dreams. They don't even look the same, although they are. Are they? Now that he has the little moment to look at them, Jimmy isn't sure. The Thomas in his dreams didn't even seem human; more like a predator watching his prey. But the man who is standing right in front of him, has been helping him the last weeks, has a much softer look and a shy smile on his face.

"I have _no_ _idea_." Jimmy shrugs and turns to leave before Thomas might want to say something else. But he feels Thomas watching him leave.

_'You are a wonderful person!'_

The words from last week still ring in his ears.

_He's dreaming again._

_It's almost the same scene as the last dreams. Almost. It's not as dark in his room as before, and Thomas is _already_ sitting on his bed, not standing in the door. Something else has changed, though, but Jimmy doesn't know what it is until he realizes that he doesn't wake up from the dream; he's not afraid._

_Thomas is not even looking at him. He's sitting on the edge of the bed, feet on the floor and looking into his hands._

_'I'm sorry.'_

_Jimmy can't see his eyes in the still dark room, so he isn't sure if Thomas still has those hungry, scary eyes from the other nights, or the calm, soft eyes that have looked at him on the stairs earlier._

_At least his voice sounds honest, and Jimmy risks it to lie down. His heart is still beating faster than normally, but there is no sound of Thomas moving and when he opens his eyes after a few minutes, Thomas is still sitting in the same place._

Good.

_He's closing his eyes again to risk to go to sleep –because, yes, apparently you can fall asleep in a dream- when:_

_'Good night!'_

_Jimmy doesn't answer. He snuggles deeper into his blanket, and for the first time since days he sleeps until the late morning._

* * *

**End notes:** . In the next chapter: Thomas and some cuteness! It's a scene I've been dying to write since the middle of season 3! I'm so glad it fits into this fanfic. I promise you will be delighted!

I also know that Jimmy is crying a lot in this fic, sorry not sorry. /shot

About Jimmy still being pissed at Thomas: I know that _I_ would be terrified if someone, who I am not in a relationship with, sneaked into my room and kissed me. It's not so much about liking the other person or not, it's the thought that someone _forces_ their feelings onto you when you are most vulnerable. That's also the reason why I can't be angry with Jimmy for being such a nasty bastard to Thomas until the CS. /My opinion. I'm still shipping them like a boss because I know that Thomas does genuinely love him.

**Still love reviews C:**


	5. iv Thomas

**Chapter summary: "I knew your mother."**

_**Subtitle:**__ BROTP BROTP BROTP BROTP _

_**Subtitle2:**__ What do you mean "This is a Thomas/Jimmy" fic? /shot_

_I'd appreciate some reviews and/or critic, because I hardly ever know what to think of my writing. _(:з」∠)__

* * *

**iv. Thomas**

_Saturday: _

"If I had known that the silver needs polishing, I would have taken the weekend off as well", Alfred sighs. "Damn you, Jimmy!"

"Whether he planned it or not, it won't help us getting it done", Thomas says, looking at the plates and cutlery in front of them. He is sure Jimmy had better reasons for convincing Carson to give him the weekend off than a dislike to polishing silverware. But even if he hasn't, Thomas can hardly blame him, since he never liked this work, either.

"If it would only smell better", Alfred mutters, taking the first plate in his hands. "Why can't it smell nicer? Like herbs or a soup or… I don't know. Anything but _this_."

"Hm."

They don't speak for the next half hour, but Thomas can't tell if the silence is uncomfortable or not, because Alfred's mind is obviously somewhere else, humming quietly. It's the first time they are working alone together, and it isn't even Thomas' job anymore. Cleaning silverware has always been the work of the footmen, and yes, it had been a small reason why he had been glad when Lord Grantham had taken him as a valet. Finally freed from it!

But when Thomas had seen Alfred sitting alone in the servants' hall after breakfast with too much silver for one person alone, his kinder side had taken over.

Alfred had been relieved about some help, and Carson had given Thomas that satisfied look that he was giving him quite often lately whenever Thomas was doing some extra work. And really, it is not like Thomas has too much to do in a house with already two footmen, a valet and a butler. So why not trying to clean up the mess he's made over the past years?

"It's very kind of you to help me here, Mr Barrow", Alfred says suddenly, and Thomas tries not to look too surprised.

"I'm trying my best," he answers instead.

"No, I mean it", Alfred says. "And not just this time; you've helped us quite a lot the past weeks. …I know Jimmy disavows it, but you did. And I'm thankful for that, because sometimes I've got the impression Carson is giving us all this work on purpose."

_Huh. Interesting. _

First Anna and Bates, then Daisy, now Alfred. Thomas has no idea how he deserves all those kind people around him all of a sudden, but he certainly won't complain if more show up.

He watches Alfred for a moment. The footman didn't look at him while speaking; he keeps polishing a very large plate, and doesn't seem uncomfortable at all with Thomas' presence. Judging from his behaviour after _'that night'_ Thomas thought it would take him at least as long as Jimmy to forgive him. That they are now sitting so relaxed together is a nice change of events.

"He doesn't speak about it", Alfred continues after another pause. "He's angry, but I'm not sure if he's angry at you."

This surprises Thomas so much that he can't hold himself back. "What else should he be angry about?", he asks.

"Don't know. But it's annoying, really, if he's so sour all the time."

"What about you?" Thomas tried for a second to hold the question back, but it doesn't work. If they are already speaking about this and if Alfred is apparently under the same spell as Daisy, he will gladly take this chance. "Don't you… mind? Anymore?"

Alfred frowns for a while, then he answers slowly: "You have your mistakes and I have mine and Jimmy has his own. As long as we don't make them each other's mistakes, it is easier to live."

Thomas leans back and raises an eyebrow. _Well. That was deep._

"So, no, I don't mind what happened. –No, I do, but it's not _my problem_. If you let me do my work, I'm fine with you and… whatever you do."

"Don't worry, you are not my type", Thomas mutters, trying to sound not too serious.

"Good, because you are not my type, either, Mister Barrow", Alfred answers.

They don't look at each other, but Thomas can _hear_ that the footman is grinning as well.

* * *

_Sunday:_

Tom -Thomas refuses to call someone who had been the chauffeur "Mister Branson" in his mind- isn't in his room when Thomas comes to help him dress, although they have less than thirty minutes until dinner.

Assuming that he will show up any minute, Thomas decides that he could at least start to prepare shirt and jacket. Of course it doesn't take long, and so he stands after two minutes again in the empty room and wonders how he could waste the time until the Irishman decides to show up. There is no point in going downstairs again, except Tom Branson decided to run away back to Ireland before dinner and never come back.

"He better didn't", Thomas mutters to himself. Not because Thomas is wasting his time with waiting, but because it's not what Lady Sybil would have wanted for him.

A muffled cry lets him jump in surprise. Thomas turns around, looking for the source of the sound and-

"Oh!"

Sybil. He has completely forgotten that Tom's room is also young Sybil's nursery. But the child has been so quiet when he has been in the room the past days that Thomas has just forgotten her. He feels a bit ashamed, because the baby is not alone Tom's child, she is also Lady Sybil's daughter. And Lady Sybil was one of the best persons he has ever met.

Thomas walks over to the crib and looks down.

A pair of big green eyes looks back at him.

"Hello!"

She has her father's eyes, but the little hair on her head is as dark as her mothers. Sure she will grow to a similar beauty.

It isn't hard for Thomas to admit that Lady Sybil _was_ _indeed_ a very beautiful woman. She had never attracted him in a romantically way – although Thomas knows that a lot of people would rather have him fall in love with an aristocrat's daughter, than falling for other men.

_Well. _

Thomas smiles to himself. At least he knows he would have _definitely_ fallen for her if she had been a man. Of course that would have been twice as many problems, so it's good that they only ever stayed friends.

_Friends?_

It's a strange way to think about Lady Sybil like that, since she didn't treat him any different than the other servants. She had been kind to everyone, but Thomas had always appreciated it more than the others, because hardly _anyone_ is ever kind to him.

Young Sybil, however, suddenly starts crying. More like whimpering, really, under all those blankets, but Thomas is puzzled all the same at what he should do. It's not like she understands any word he says and he doesn't have the slightest idea what her crying means, either. But just standing there and doing nothing, while a baby is obviously unhappy, is just cruel – even in his early days Thomas could never have done that.

With a quick look to the door Thomas reaches carefully under the sheets and takes the young girl out. Sybil is surprisingly light and small in his arms, but she stops crying at the feeling of someone holding her. Funnily enough Thomas has no idea what he is doing, doing right, but it seems to work. He remembers dark that he held his younger sister in his arms once, but that was two decades ago.

"No need to make such a fuss, young lady", Thomas says and _Oh Lord, look at **that face!**_

Sybil looks at him so curiously, and after a few moments, during which they only stare at each other, one of her small hands finds its way to Thomas' face. He smiles at the soft touch on his chin, and carefully strokes over her cheek in return.

Sybil giggles.

Oh God, his heart is about to burst out of his chest at any moment!

"I knew your mother, you know", Thomas tells the little human in his arms. "She was a lovely person!" He makes a pause. "Just like you."

It's a bit strange to tell her the exact same words he said to Jimmy the night Sybil died.

But then, it really isn't. No matter what his intentions had been with Jimmy, he had meant the words. He means them when he speaks them to young Sybil, too.

The girl will grow up not any less safe and sheltered than her mother did in this house and Thomas silently hopes he will stay long enough to watch just this.

"She liked you."

Tom is standing in the doorway. Thomas expects him to comment on someone other than him or the nurse taking his daughter out of her bed, but he doesn't.

"Sybil, I mean." He walks over to where Thomas is standing with the child, but makes no attempt to take her out of his arms. Thomas relaxes when he sees that Tom isn't angry. He's not afraid of the former chauffeur, but since he's part of the family now Thomas could get easier into trouble with him than before.

"Ah, that's good to hear, because I liked Lady Sybil, too."

Tom gives him a long, calculating look. "I never know if you mean what you say", he says. "And if I heard those words from any other man while he is holding my daughter, I would punch him."

"Thank you, then", Thomas answers, but can't hide a grin.

"What for?"

Thomas' eyes meet with Tom's. "Because", he says, "you just said that I am not like any other man and that's why you will _not_ punch me. Rarely hear it this way."

The look on Tom's face is only confused for a second, then it relaxes, and the corner of his mouth twitches up into a little smile.

"Yeah, well", he starts, but doesn't finish the sentence. He's looking at his daughter again, but Thomas can see how is ears are becoming slightly red. Thomas knows that Mr Carson always tries to avoid that servants who came after Thomas to Downton find out about him, but it hardly ever works. Well, there is Daisy, of course, who _still_ doesn't have any clue, but he knows that Tom figured it out very quickly after his first weeks. He never commented it, and Thomas doesn't think he minds, but he doesn't think, either, that it's something Tom knows how to talk about – At least that's what his red ears are telling Thomas.

Deciding to pull him out of his misery, Thomas asks: "We should probably lay her back and get you dressed, Sir?!"

"No, give her to me first", Tom demands. "I haven't had time to be with her today."

Thomas gently pulls Sybil's fingers, which have just found the hem of his jacket, from his livery, and hands her over to her father. Tom's face lights up as soon as Sybil is lying in his arms and he cuddles her closer to his chest. "Hey, my darling!"

* * *

_Wednesday:_

Thomas should have seen it coming. Jimmy is back and not even halfway through the next week the trouble starts again. Although this time it's really neither his nor Jimmy's fault.

He doesn't see Jimmy hurrying down the stairs from a floor above, a tray of china in his hands. Jimmy doesn't see Thomas, either, who is coming out of a room opposite to the stairs Jimmy is about to go down.

They bump into each other, the china flies down the stairs, and Thomas grabs blindly forward when the blonde man trips into the same direction.

"JIMMY!"

* * *

**NOTES: **

*My head canon says that Thomas doesn't know that the police was at the cricket game. Let's be honest, they didn't make a big show out of it, hte only who spoke with them were Carson, Robert and Alfred. And since Robert shows so much sympathy/ understanding for Thomas I don't think he wants Thomas to know about the police, because nothing even happened.

*I had to polish our own silver some times already as well ._. The cleaner really smells odd. I haven't researched if they used something similar back then, but since it's not really relevant to the story... I'll just pretend they did.

*Thomas + Tom = BROTP. Other opinions? Sorry, your arguments are invalid. In my imagination Thomas is good with babies. I don't know why, he just is. Maybe because he knows they don't judge him, because they don't care who you love or what you've done. They are adorable and innocent. Next chapter: Thomas and Tom fall in love and run away with little Sybil. The end. (What, you think I'm joking?)


End file.
